Ender's Swears
by Hokuto Uchiha
Summary: AU. Ender finds a list of swears one day at Choate, and he and his friends try them out. Parody of the Potter Puppet Pals sketch, "Wizard Swears". Rated T just in case.


**Author's Note: **This is an AU, where Ender, Petra, Alai, and friends are all at Choate Rosemary Hall instead of Battle School. Ender, Petra, and Alai are about twelve or thirteen in this.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own _Ender's Game _or _Potter Puppet Pals_. They belong to their respective creators.

* * *

><p><strong>Ender's Swears<strong>

Alai and Petra were busy being goofy when Ender came running up to them with a list.

"You guys," Ender said, out of breath. "Headmaster Graff posted this list of words that are banned from Choate. I didn't know Choate people had swears."

"Of course they do, Ender," said Petra. "They're called boarding school swears."

"Yeah, like Bugger bum," said Alai.

"Really? That's adorable," Ender replied.

"Oh, they're worse than that," Petra said. "Read some more."

Ender looked at the list. "Hm…"Son of a Seventh". That sounds useful."

"Oh, and how about Motherbugger?" said Petra. "That's my favorite."

Just then, Professor Anderson came in. "Ahem! Do my ears detect foulmothed-ness in the very halls of this school?"

"Oh, no, Professor Anderson!" Petra said.

"Bonzo's nipple!" Ender yelled.

"Excuse me?" Professor Anderson exploded.

"Ender," Petra whispered in warning.

"I refuse to have this filth spewed in my presence, Mr. Wiggin," said Professor Anderson.

"Alien Boogies!" Alai said. Everyone looked at him.

"Everybody, run…now," Ender whispered. Then he took out a smoke grenade. "Fire in the hole!" he threw it, obscuring Professor Anderson's field of vision long enough for himself, Petra, and Alai to get away.

Once the smoke cleared, Professor Anderson looked around, but saw no sign of Ender and his two buddies. He sighed. "Rabblerousers."

* * *

><p>Ender, Petra, and Alai ran to another place in the school, laughing.<p>

"That was fun," said Ender. Then he stopped laughing when he saw Dumper. "Oh. Hi, Dumper."

"Hello, Ender, Petra, Alai," said Dumper. "What's up, guys?"

"We're saying naughty words, like "jiggery pokery"," said Alai.

Dumper gasped. "My grandmother forbids me from saying those naughty words!"

"Well, your grandma is a Buggerface!" said Ender. This made Dumper nearly hyperventilate.

"He doesn't mean it, Dumper," Petra said. "He's just testing out some Choate swears."

"I mean every word I ever say, ever, because I'm Ender Wiggin!" Ender said.

"I'm telling Headmaster Graff," said Dumper.

"You're such a bugbrain!" said Alai.

Dumper went to get away from Ender and friends. "This is against the school rules!" Unfortunately, Dumper was stopped by Ender.

"I can't let you do that, Dumper," Ender said.

"No, no!" said Dumper. He turned the other way. "My grandma told me not to swear, I don't wanna swear!"

Ender blocked him again. "Are you a Wild Boar or not, Dumper?"

"I am a Wild Boar, but—" Dumper said.

"Then try it," Ender commanded. He held the swear list out.

Dumper hesitated, but gave in. "M-M-Mazer…Rackham's…buttcrack."

"Yaaaaaayyyy!" Petra and Alai cheered.

"You sicken me!" said Ender.

"But…but it was on the list…" said Dumper.

"Mazer Rackham is twice the man you'll ever be, Dumper," Ender said. "Leave Choate, Dumper. Leave Choate, and never return!" Dumper sullenly walked away.

"Yaaaaayyyyy!" Petra and Alai said again.

"You're quite the hellion today, Ender," said Petra.

"Yeah, you're ripe with boyish attitude," said Alai.

"Hey, let's do a prank call," Ender said to his friends. He picked up Bonzo's phone from Lost and Found and dialed a random number that just happened to be the Wiggin residence in Greensboro. Peter answered.

Peter Wiggin answered the phone.

"Who is it, Peter?" Valentine asked.

"None of your business, turd," Peter said back.

"I'm telling Mom and Dad!" said Valentine. She ran off.

"Hello, Wiggin residence. This is Peter," Peter said, not knowing that his little brother was on the other line.

'_Shoot,' _Ender thought. _'Oh, well. Man, Mom and dad are gonna kill me. I forgot this was the number at home!' _Then he screamed "Donkeybutt!" into the phone, making Alai and Petra laugh.

"What?" Peter exploded. "Who is this? Is that you, Ender? If that _is _you, then I'll call the cops and have you sent to jail! You hear me? Hello!"

Ender and his friends laughed. Ender finally hung up the phone when he and his friends saw Professor Anderson and Headmaster Graff.

"There they are, Graff," said a still irate Professor Anderson.

"Professor Anderson would like to have a word with you kids," said Headmaster Graff.

"Oh, monkey dung," Petra said.

"That is exactly the kind of language I want to eradicate from the distinguished halls of Choate," said Professor Anderson. "The traditions of this school must be held up and respected. The kind of—"

"Go screw a Bugger, Anderson!" said Ender.

"What?" Professor Anderson exploded.

"You heard me," said Ender. "You big floppy donkeybutt prick!"

Everybody looked at Ender until Alai said, "Fuck."

Professor Anderson turned toward Headmaster Graff. "Graff, I urge you to expel these hooligans!"

"Oh, Anderson, let them have their fun," said Headmaster Graff.

"But you banned these words!" said Professor Anderson.

"I don't even remember five minutes ago," said Headmaster Graff. "Now, go back to your sulking."

Professor Anderson glared at Ender and friends and went back to whatever he had been doing.

"Thank you so much, Headmaster Graff!" Petra said gratefully.

"No problem," said Headmaster Graff.

"Graff, you're obscenely old, right?" asked Ender.

"Why, yes," said Headmaster Graff.

"Do you know any super-ancient, lost in the ages, archaic, old time boarding school swears?" Ender asked.

"Well…there is one," said Headmaster Graff.

"I want to hear it!" said Alai.

"The Nuclear Swear," said Headmaster Graff. "It was frequently used by Americans and Russians back in the Cold War. You must never repeat it to anyone."

"We won't, sir," said Petra.

"Here it is," said Headmaster Graff. He took a deep breath and let out a very, very long string of curse words. "Your mother is a *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep*-ing *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* hippopotamus *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* Russian *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* Taylor Swift *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* with a bucket of dog shit *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* someplace far away where no one can hear you *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* soup *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* with a bucket of *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* Mickey Mouse *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* and a stick of dynamite *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* and a magical *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* Alakazaam!"

After a while, Alai said, "Wow."

"Now you know," said Headmaster Graff. "You must never, _ever _repeat it to anyone, okay?"

"We promise, sir," Ender said solemnly.

* * *

><p>Later, Ender, Petra, and Alai teased Dumper by saying the Nuclear Swear, just after they promised not to!<p>

"Your mother is a *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep*-ing *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* hippopotamus *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* Russian *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* Taylor Swift *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* with a bucket of dog shit *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* someplace far away where no one can hear you *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* soup *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* with a bucket of *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* Mickey Mouse *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* and a stick of dynamite *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* and a magical *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* Alakazaam!" Ender, Petra, and Alai yelled at Dumper. Dumper, meanwhile, was running back and forth, trying to get away from the trio.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: <strong>Choate's mascot is the Wild Boar.


End file.
